It's been twenty years since Nix was unleashed upon this world, and yet, the only real alternative is Guix‽ Well, not on my watch! I've been working on Zilch for a while now, and it's starting to be ready to be released to the wild. This talk will describe what this fresh new Nix-compatible alternative is, how it came into being, and what the wider Nix community could learn from it.